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Author
Profile
Kylie’s previous expertise has been in writing and
delivering training programs focusing on personal effectiveness.
Kylie has written many courses and instructional manuals to assist people
to make the most out of their lives through intelligent self-awareness. Through her own self awareness and development Kylie began
to question while greater satisfaction and reward was being achieved for women
in their workplace, the same level of fulfilment was not always as evident in
their personal lives. Her research began to determine how modern women's
expectations have changed, why they are delaying marriage and what they really
want from their relationships now. Single,
white female Successful,
attractive, 33, and yes - fulfilled.
Single women … yes, it is a
modern phenomenon! There are
countless fictional books written on single women in the pursuit of their 'dream
man'. This is not one of those
books. Impertinent Women? captures the true spirit, passion and essence of
modern women. It is only through a
varied and complex relationship history that women truly master an understanding
of the qualities and characteristics that will define fulfilling relationships
for them in the future. Impertinent Women? explores why women are choosing to delay or
boycott marriage and addresses what modern women really want from their
relationships and partners now. Our
lives are far more diverse and unpredictable than that of our mothers and our
decisions in relationships strongly reflect that diversity and unpredictability.
More opportunities, higher educations, increased career status and financial
independence have all been influences. Impertinent
Women? provides some answers to why modern women expect more from their
relationships and the ways in which their expectations in relationships have
changed. Through discussions, interviews and research, Impertinent
Women? focuses on the strengths of single, confident women who don't
compromise their happiness for the sake of relationships, who don't settle in
relationships that they know will not make them happy in the long term, and who
don't conform, in society's eyes. The
number of women who remain single is increasing each year.
Why are so many of us choosing to be single? I use the word 'choosing', as it really is a personal choice.
It is not the result of having no other options - as others may consider.
Most single women have come close to marrying a boyfriend in their
twenties and are very glad that they did not. They have also managed not to
succumb to the pressure of friends, family and society to get on board the
marriage train before it is too late. It
is hard work at times, believe me. Innocent
comments by people who love us can be so inappropriate.
I realised that, although I felt like some strange minority, I was in
fact part of a growing majority. It
is not that single women have given up on the idea of marriage or finding a life
partner, it is the fact that we are not prepared to settle for less than we
think we deserve. According to Marketing to Women (2000), “Many
women in their thirties describe their 'single by choice' status as not a
rejection of the concept of marriage but a refusal to bargain away cherished
elements of their personalties and lifestyles in exchange for marriage to a
person who doesn't suit them. Some
of the men they've encountered have tradition bound expectations of women's
roles. Others are weary of getting
involved in all kinds of relationships they witness between parents or married
friends.” Remaining
single is a result of having a healthy respect for what you think you deserve in
life and an inner confidence that makes you believe you can achieve it. The
urge to put pen to paper and write this book really came when I was thirty-one.
For years, friends, colleagues and acquaintances had praised me for my modern
views about developing a rewarding career, creating a full life and not settling
in unfulfilling relationships. All this began to change when I turned
thirty-one. Comments and referral
to other women like me as ‘desperate, single and left on the shelf’ began.
At a party that year, a married friend said sarcastically, “So here you are
Kylie, woman of the world, thirty-one and totally desperate.” Her comment was
surprising, greatly offensive and totally untrue. What was even more surprising was that these comments
continued. I
soon realised that I was not on my own when it came to dealing with the reality
of single life. For some reason
people around us who are married or in long-term relationships find it very
difficult to understand why we make the decision to not settle and stay single. I decided to document my own relationship history to gain a
further understanding of why it has been such a necessary journey for me and
other women like me. A snowball
effect soon occurred and Impertinent
Women? began to evolve, gaining momentum and enthusiasm from all the women
who became involved. I
devised a questionnaire for single women over thirty, or those in new
relationships (less than twelve months). The
questionnaire consisted of thirteen questions, each of which is addressed and
answered in this book. I trialed the questionnaire initially with my closest
friends. These friends felt that some women might not want to participate
because of the confronting nature of the questionnaire.
I thought for a moment about changing its tone, but then decided that to
truly have the impact I was hoping for, playing it safe would never deliver.
I realised that the type of women I wanted to contribute to Impertinent
Women? would have the courage to push themselves, because they had a voice
that they wanted to be heard. I
placed two advertisements - one was in Write
On, a magazine published by the Victorian Writers Centre, and one in The
Networker, published by the Australian Business Women's Network. The
responses to my questionnaire are presented in Impertinent
Women? However not all responses are published, due only to the number of
participants and the repetition in the essence of the responses. Occupations:
- 70%
of respondents are in professional occupations 20%
run their own business or are self-employed 10%
work in trade related occupations Education:
- 60%
are tertiary qualified, or studying for tertiary qualifications The
participants' real names have been changed to protect their privacy and their
stories have not been altered except for removing identifiable information. I
hoped this would allow participants to answer in an honest and detailed manner
and not feel the need to curb their responses. I
thank all participants for not putting their heads in the sand and for having
the courage to look honestly at their lives and behaviour both within and
outside of their relationships. In
addition to the questionnaire, I researched and conducted interviews with women.
I have communicated with many women throughout the process, in addition to
observing women in more natural social environments.
However sixteen women are the main focus as their responses unfold
through this book. A few women who didn't exactly fit the criteria snuck in, but
these women were so eager to participate that I wanted to include their
insightful responses. Also because
of the time involved in completing Impertinent
Women?, some of the single women involved initially in the first
questionnaire have moved into relationships and marriage over this two-year
period and the later responses reflect this.
I learnt an enormous amount about single women throughout this process.
Essentially I was moved by their strength and passion in the pursuit of a
fulfilling life. This book
acknowledges their courage. Impertinent Women? has been a journey of self-discovery for me and for those who
participated. The women with whom I have worked have found the process very
rewarding. I hope it will be also
be an insightful journey for readers. It
has made participants stop and think about their belief systems and behaviour.
Most importantly, participants have acknowledged how much they are doing
right and what they have indeed learnt in the process.
Single women are not emotionally crippled misfits - as often perceived -
but determined and confident women who know what they want. I
am not a psychologist. This book has evolved purely from a passion I have held
for many years - a passion to learn about what modern women really want from
relationships. I live and breathe
this book every day - it is how I conduct myself in my life.
I believe many women still compromise their happiness and sell themselves
short, just to be in relationships. Women's
lives have changed and some women choose to stay stuck, others don't.
What we want from relationships reflect these changes.
The image of single women is often of women who have money and success,
but aren't capable of compromise, or can't find anyone nearly good enough. This could not be further from the truth.
Most of us acknowledge that as we grow older we tend to fall into our own
skin and gain our inner confidence. It
is only at this time should we consider finding a life partner.
I believe it is extremely positive that people are still single in their
thirties. It is the best time to
consider a life-long partnership with someone else as a serious option. When I was twenty, I knew I would not get married or find a
life partner until I had matured. I
knew that I had so much learning to do. I have held this passion for a long
time. I think it is time to put
people's delusions of single women to rest. It
was enticing to attempt to write this book in the guise of a woman who has
always been totally in control through all her relationships.
That however is not the truth. Although,
I will say I have always seen the error of my ways before it was too late.
I have made many mistakes, but I have always learnt from them.
My own knowledge of what I can achieve has always kept me going. As I
gained strength and confidence in who I was, my vision of what would satisfy me
in a partnership has also significantly changed. My
passion for writing Impertinent Women?
began as I gained more inner confidence and started to understand the type of
relationship that I wanted to enhance my life.
I stopped becoming involved with men I knew would not fulfil me and I
stopped believing that I must be in a 'relationship' to feel normal. I learnt about the incredibly enriching lives that single
women are able to create, if they have the determination to do so.
I began also seeing the intimate and fulfilling relationships women are
not only pursuing, but now creating with partners. At last the bar has been
raised. The main source of my learning has been through my
relationships. The first section of
Impertinent Women? looks at my own
relationship history, along with the lessons I have learnt.
Each relationship break up, whether it left me feeling relieved or upset,
has allowed me to reflect on my own behaviour, my own involvement and therefore
acknowledge the necessary learning. The
next step, which for me was always the hardest, was to take responsibility for
my involvement and learn from it. We
bring men and women into our life to teach us important things about ourselves -
the good and the bad. The only time
we feel out of control and frustrated is when we refuse to believe our
involvement or acknowledge how we have contributed to these situations.
I look back now and know that although I thought I had all the answers in
my twenties, I had so much learning to do. Now I have the inner
confidence that makes me who I am and gives me the courage to expect the very
best life for myself. I hope you
will take the opportunity to reflect on sections of this book. It is only through personal reflection that the answers ever
become clear. Moving out of
confusion and into clarity is a result any person can achieve if they have the
courage. Courage is what separates the extraordinary from the ordinary. This
book is about extraordinary women. |
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